...Best Laid Plans...

Would You like a drink? Of course you would!

2006-08-14T19:54:00.000-04:00

This week, due to the recent foiled terror plot, the FAA cracked down on it's carry-on baggage policy restricting what passengers can take on a plane. This policy restricts passengers from taking anything on a plane except solid lipsticks, douche applicators, and douche douche(rs).
"The main problem is, now that the passengers can't bring drinks on the plane" says Monty FigerHil, the president of @#$%#$#@ Airways, "We are forced to sell drinks to them." Figerhil is just one of the airline moguls concerned about having to sell drinks on their airliners "It's really too bad" said one, "Awe Shucks" said another, and still another said "Zippidy do da!" (he, of course, was referencing the horrific 1812 steamliner crash of the Zippidy do da and the Zippidy A. That shocked the world.) No word yet on how the DOW will react but the assumtion is that everythings going fine. "besides Armageddon is going to rein soon anyway..... right?" So let's get those Douchers out and start having some fun!!!
that's all for now non- readers, check back later!!

Hey! You Forgot Your Jacket!! (an open letter to a real bombshell)

2006-08-10T00:17:00.000-04:00

I am Writing this post because I am hoping that it will help someone, namely me.
So, here is what happened, I was out in my hood, Lebanon when I see this real hottie, I mean she was smoking. It was almost as if a bomb had gone off, Boom! you know? like when love hits you like a Lebonese Explosion, It can be a real shocker. Anyway things went down, and then there was an actual explosion (some car bomb no biggie) and long story short she left her jacket on top of this man who was "hurt". So I took the jacket and now I am searching for the love of my life. So If you're out there, my little coatless lebonese hottie, I hope this letter finds you with all your appendages.

Dear Lebonese Hottie:
hey... uh... whats up? you uh... look real nice... Burlap looks real nice on you... Oh Yeah I found your coat... so... your welcome... listen I was just wondering. Was it just me, or were you really knocked off your feet the other day? I mean I was Literally knocked of my feet, the moment we met, with love. To bad that car bombing got in the way of our destiny. war always fucks things up. first it was fucking up my country and now it's fucking up my sex life! that really gets my girdle. anyway call me if you get this about your coat.

with love (and your coat)
sakldfvknskmd kajlv (oops I sneezed,
lol)
John Smith

We Urinate Sitting Down!!!

2006-08-08T11:01:00.000-04:00

And We are not ashamed. In our old age we find that sitting while urinating can be a magical adventure. Try it and you'll see! Look at how happy we are! My name is Gerald (the handsome man in red) and I am 64 years old, I discovered sitting while peeing in my early teens when I was battling laziness. I found that If I sat while I peed I would feel more like a woman. And that is the point. I always (and I know I speak for all my brethren) felt like I was a woman trapped in a man's body, sometimes I look at my penis and say "Hello penis"....No answer, so I try again: "HELLO PENIS".... Still no answer, but I know he's listening. I move on to the burning question. "Why aren't you a Pussy?" I ask him this everyday, but alas, no reply, someday he will answer me, someday....

What A Great Weekend!!!!!

2006-07-26T16:14:00.000-04:00

Oh Man I am so hung over! This weekend me and some friends decided to really let loose, I had four shots of yager, two tequilla shots (I ate the worm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) as you can see, we dared my friend dan and my dave to get naked and put fun bags on their heads.....But they didn't know that lyddie had her camera LOL!!! ROFL!! ONGHEJ!!XHYD!!GCBJS!!FH!!!DEUS!!!I&*%#*HFBCH())@!DABCDEFGHIJKLOMNOPQRS brb...........................................................................................It was so fun tortoring them, oh man best night of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You Masturbate Too Much

2006-07-19T21:11:00.000-04:00

I've thought it over and I believe that you masturbate too much... America. That's right, I think that America needs to cut their masturbating in half so that we can focus on more important things, like the space program, the war on terror, the war on drugs, the Iraq war and a lot of other things that leave me completely flaccid. So drop your dicks America and stop rubbing those pussies because we've got work to do!!!

"After Quiting Masturbating I needed something to occupy my hands, so now I milk cows for needy kids. It's so easy!!" ~Jerry Berry~

Thats the Spirit Jerry, keep it up! sorry about your name.

"Yesterday I masturbated 10 times, and I was about to settle in for the customary 11th just to, you know, even it out, when I decided, No. No I will not beat my bic until it turns red white and blue, I will get up and solve social security problems" ~President Bush~

Way to go Georgie! Stop Jerking off and do some Fucking work!!!

Thats all for now, until tomorrow all my little non-readers.

2006-07-05T01:11:00.000-04:00

Happy 5th of July!!

Congratulations, Unless you blew your hand off with a bottle rocket, it was a pretty good day for America. Personally I am just glad my father was too drunk to beat me tonight.... I should backtrack. My father Hardly ever beats me, only on the fourth of July....
In 1988, I accidentally told him that the Founding fathers could "lick my hairless pre-pubescent yam bag for all I cared", he went crazy, he was yelling, jizzing, pooping and peeing.
Now, if he is sober enough, he beats me to remind me that some things can't be taken back, like seceding from England and making fun of the founding fathers. But this year he did not because he was too drunk, and for that I am thankful.

I like the new Christina Aguliera song, Does that make me Gay?

2006-06-21T20:10:00.000-04:00

When I first heard the song "Ain't No other Man" I danced around my room like a women, more specifically a petite blond woman with a Hispanic sounding last name. Even now as I write this, I am bopping in my comfy office chair to the funky horns and christina's trilly voice. Does that make me gay?
Some people would say yes, although they don't write for this blog so the answer is no.
This question intrigued me, how many people around the world question their sexuality? I decided to do some research. I asked men and women around the globe to send me their "Does that make me gay?" questions. I tried to help them as best I could...

Q:
Dear Doug
My Question also has to do with Christina Aguliera. I fell in love with the Spanish release of her single "Come On over" retitled, "ven comigo" I danced to it every night before I went to bed and set it as my wake up song on my alarmclock/CD player. Does that make me gay?
Yours truly,
ConfusedinMI

A:
Dear ConfusedinMI
While "Come on over" is certainly more gay than "Ain't no other Man" I don't think that what kind of music you listen to determines what sexuality you are. Now I know the media is going to tear my ass apart tomorrow but I Don't care! I am going to Say it: The only thing that makes a person gay is if the engage in same sex relations. That was really bold of me to say but I believe it and its a free country so, thank you, and thank me.

Q:
Dear Doug,
I voted for George W Bush twice, Does that make me gay?
sincerely
HelpmeinOhio

A:
Dear HelpmeinOhio
No, that makes you retarded. Have a good life Corky...

That's all for now, see you next time non-readers!!

Why am I Doing this?

2006-06-20T04:49:00.000-04:00

"Why am I doing this?" is a question many people ask themselves everyday, I certainly do....

"Why Am I doing this?" he asked himself as he took the spicy chicken filet out of the pseudo-oven box and put it on a delicious sesame bun...

There are many situations that warrant a "why am I doing this?" Check-in, most of them involve animals...

As he knelt down to enter the sheep, Brandon took a condom out of the left breast pocket of his red flannel shirt, the Wrapping glistened in moonlight. As he tore open its package with his teeth, both Brandon and the sheep let out a moan of sorts, which rang out a certain chord, a chord filled with excitement and fear. The fear part of the chord was sung by the Sheep. Brandon was just about to finish rolling the condom on, when he thought, "Why am I doing this?" Laughing, he pulled off the condom with a snap, and entered the sheep unprotected.

...or Drugs...

It was obvious to Connor that the strange man had already masturbated today, because this was taking a long time. But not to worry, Connor had a few more tricks up his sleeve. "Funny" Connor thought (because he couldn't speak) "it really only takes a month to become truly acclimated to any job, whether it be office work or selling yourself." At this, A wave of sadness passed over him and he pondered, "why am I doing this?" then, like like a foreign object hitting the back of his throat he suddenly remembered. "oh yeah, I am doing this to get money for drugs." then he made the strange man ejaculate (just a little).

And now I will explore inside myself to find out why I have decided to start a blogspot.
1. It would be good to get things off me chest
2. If I thought people actually read it, it would be nice to think I was writing something that people would like to read
3. I am afraid of mediocrity and I will do anything to prove that I am not mediocre.
4. I need the writing practice.
5. I am very pretentious
6. I want people to recognize my superior, unique, and utterly predictable taste in movies, music, and books.
7. Previously, all ever I did on the Internet was masturbate. And because it gave and gave every night, I have decided to give back (just a little).

That's all for now, check back later all my non readers!